Situations — most viewed jokes

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?"

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?"

"No, the Pearly Gates."

A punk walked into a barber's shop and sat in an empty chair.
"Haircut, sir?" asked the barber.
"No, just change the oil, please!"

A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.

He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.

Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.

He looks down, sees a snail there.

The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde went on a trip to the desert.

They each brought one item for survival.

The red-head brought water. The blonde asked, "Why?" The red-head replied, "To prevent us from dying of thirst."

The brunette brought food. The blonde asked, "Why?" The brunette replied, "To prevent us from dying of hunger."

The blonde brought a car door. The red-head and brunette asked, "Why?" The blonde replied, "To roll down the window if it gets hot."

Take the test...

NO CHEATING!

What does: A woman do sitting down? A man do standing up? A dog do on three legs?

Got your guess ready yet?

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

They shake hands!

Which day of the week do ghosts like best?
→ Moandays.

What could you do if you were on a desert island without food or water?
→ Open your watch: drink from the spring, and eat the sand which is (sandwiches) there.

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back.
"Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first aid."
The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder.
"Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom): When all else fails, read the instructions.

Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The Ultimate Law: All general statements are false.

Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.

Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Benchley's Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't.

Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Rule of Accuracy: When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: You can't win.

You can't break even.

You can't quit.

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.

O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.

Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

Murphy's 3rd Military Law: Friendly fire ain't.

Murphy's 4th Military Law: The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Murphy's 5th Military Law: The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

Murphy's 6th Military Law: The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Murphy's 7th Military Law: The farther you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

Murphy's 8th Military Law: Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphy's 9th Military Law: If your advance is going well, you're walking into an ambush.

Murphy's 10th Military Law: The quartermaster only has two sizes, too large and too small.

Murphy's 11th Military Law: If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphy's 13th Military Law: The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire.

Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.

Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Perkin's Postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Horngren's Observation (generalized): The real world is a special case.

Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.

Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Colson's Law: When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.

Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Alan's Law: All things being equal, you lose.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me....

"We are all individuals." * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts....

On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Don't be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. *42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.