Situations — most viewed jokes

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." (DOH!)

• Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
• It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
• No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)
• It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
• Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
• It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
• It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
• You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
• It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
• It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.
• The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.
• It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
• It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
• It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
• Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.

Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.

"Right at the end of," Billy Bob replied.

"Could you spell that for me please?" the operator asked.

After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?"

I can't understand the critics saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really enjoyed it.

In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.

University

To: Professor [ ]
From: [ ]

I think my grade in your course, [ ], should be changed from [ ] to [ ] for the following reasons:

1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
   [ ] Law School
   [ ] Medical School
   [ ] Graduate School
   [ ] Dental School
   [ ] My Fraternity/Sorority
   [ ] The Mickey Mouse Club
   [ ] Tri County Tech
4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in [ ].
5. I'll lose my scholarship.
6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
10. You are prejudiced against:
    [ ] Males [ ] Jews [ ] Blacks
    [ ] Females [ ] Catholics [ ] Whites
    [ ] Protestants [ ] Moslems [ ] Minorities
    [ ] Chicanos [ ] People [ ] Students
11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
    [ ] mono
    [ ] broken baby finger
    [ ] acute alcoholism
    [ ] pregnancy
    [ ] VD
    [ ] fatherhood
13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
16. The lectures were:
    [ ] too detailed to pick out important points
    [ ] not explained in sufficient detail
    [ ] too boring
    [ ] all jokes and not enough material
    [ ] all of the above
17. This course was:
    [ ] too early, I was not awake.
    [ ] at lunchtime, I was hungry
    [ ] too late, I was tired
18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
19. Other

• If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
• What do chickens think we taste like?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• What do you call a male ladybug?
• What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
• If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?"
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey's and apes?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a "s" in it?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except that she's angry with you."

"With me?" the woman exclaimed.
"Whatever for?"

"She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

Bumper stickers seen this weekend .....

• You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
• I have the body of a god........ Buddha.
• This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
• Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
• The face is familiar but i can't quite remember my name.
• Illiterate? Write for help.
• Honk if anything falls off.
• He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
• This isn't my idea of a good time.
• It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
• Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.
• This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.
• I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere.
• Oh, evolve!
• Gone crazy be back shortly.
• If you're not outraged you're not paying attention.

Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.

Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?

Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.

Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.

Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.

Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.