Situations — most viewed jokes

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - it's the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

My horoscope read, "You're going places and you can't be stopped."

Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.

Henderson bought a new car and, after he left the showroom, decided to catch a movie. When he came out, Henderson noticed he'd locked the car and left the keys in the ignition.

He telephoned the dealer. "Which is the cheapest window to break?" he asked.

"You don't have to break any of the windows," explained the dealer. "I'll come right down with another key and we can open it together."

"No, no!" shouted the new car owner. "I gotta know now! It's about to rain and I wanna put the top up!"

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered.

"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."

"What's a Midnight Special?"

"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread."

"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"

"Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"

What do me and a mirror have in common?
→ When we see your face we both crack up!

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God...

I could be eating a slow learner!" - Lynda Montgomery

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez

And from George Carlin...

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?

Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?

When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?

Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?

Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?

If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?

If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?

If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?

How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?

Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?

Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?

Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?

Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?

How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?

Did you hear about the bear hunter?

Well, he was out hunting for bears one day, and soon came across a large, trophy sized bear. He raised his rifle and took careful aim. Just as he was about to pull the trigger, the bear turned and began to speak to him!

"Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter," said the bear.

Lowering his rifle in shock, the hunter thought a second, and then replied, "I want a fur coat."

Things you wouldn't know without the tube. All of life's mysteries are on TV:

• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
• All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
• It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
• The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
• You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
• People of TV never finish their drinks.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• The chief of police is always black.
• When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
• If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
• Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
• Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
• Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
• If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
• Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
• Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
• All single women have a cat.
• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
• Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
• If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
• Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
• During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
• When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
• Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
• Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
• Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
• No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
• If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
• You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
• Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
• Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
• Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
• Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
• Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.