Situations — most viewed jokes

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

• I have to go to court for kitty littering.
• I have to jog my memory.
• I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
• I have to rotate my crops.
• I have to sit up with a sick ant.
• I have to stay home and see if I snore.
• I have to study for a blood test.
• I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here).
• I'm going to be old someday.
• I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
• I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
• I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
• I'm trying to cut down.
• I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup.
• I've been traded to Cincinnati.
• My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
• my favorite commercial is on TV.
• My uncle escaped... again.
• Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.

How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he'll tell everybody.

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .

"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"

What do you call a ghost who's always sleeping?
→ Lazy bones.

• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• My kid had sex with your honor student.
• If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.
• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
• I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Keep honking, I'm reloading.
• Hang up and drive.
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not kicking and screaming like his passengers.
• I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
• Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
• He who laughs last thinks slowest!
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
• Assassins do it from behind.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• Few women admit their age...few men act theirs.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you suddenly realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.
• As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife.
• While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and you're the only coffee drinker there.
• You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.
• You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
• You wake up hung over.
• You have a black eye and barked knuckles.
• Your underwear is missing.
• You're in jail.
• Last night was the company Christmas party.

Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...

• You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
• You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
• You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.
• You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!"
• You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
• You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.
• You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
• You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
• You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
• You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
• You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
• You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US".
• You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
• You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.
• You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.
• You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
• You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
• You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
• You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
• At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
• You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
• The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
• You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

• In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
• While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
• It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
• It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist. -Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.
• Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

A man was staying in a big old house and in the middle of the night he met a ghost. The ghost said, "I have been walking these corridors for 300 years."

The man said, "In that case, can you tell me the way to the toilet?"