Situations — most viewed jokes

Two guys are out hunting deer...

The first guy says, "Did you see that?"... pointing to the sky.

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!"

"Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

10 signs your broker was affected by the Stock Market Crash:

• "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."
• "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."
• "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."
• "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."
• There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."
• "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"
• "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange."
• "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."
• "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."
• "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."

• The English language is not to be spoken.
• You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
• You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
• You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.
• It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
• In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.
• Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
• Kites may not be flown within the city limits.
• It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.
• Spitting is forbidden.
• It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.
• One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.
• Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.
• Cars may not be driven through the town.
• Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.
• A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.
• It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
• Bowling is forbidden.
• It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
• It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundries from sundown to sunrise.
• It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.
• There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.
• It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.
• Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.
• A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow.
• Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.
• Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland's streets.
• Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.
• There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.
• You may not own a handgun.
• It is against the law to make faces at dogs.
• No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.
• Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.
• Trucks may only park inside closed garages.
• Basketball hoops may not be instaled on a driveway.
• It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.

- I thought you were trying to get into shape?

- I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.

Why do they manufacture perfumed bathroom tissue when our noses are on our faces?

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if...

• Tech Support calls "You" for help
• Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
• You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other
• You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"
• You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's
• You've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone"
• You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it
• You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences
• You begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing
• When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
• You sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep
• You know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family's
• You lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
• You have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
• You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)
• You're broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one
• You marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room
• You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time
• You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved
• You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists
• You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy
• You have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours
• You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one...hehehe)
• Your buddy list has over 100 people on it
• You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee
• You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to sign on
• You don't know where the time has gone
• You end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil
• Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had
• You get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead
• You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo
• When you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or Kisses
• You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
• Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL"
• You type faster than you think
• Being called a newbie is a MAJOR insult
• You are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL"
• You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
• You've gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers
• You have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
• You meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name
• Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.

A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, buddy, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said... "Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?"

• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
• You may not drive barefooted.
• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• Masks may not be worn in public.
• Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
• Incestous marriages are legal.
• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.
• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
• Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
• Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
• Mobile: It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
• Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

The theatrical manager exclaimed: "Your last role was magnificent, Mr. Brown. You enacted so well that officer wounded on the battlefield. Your suffering looked very much like real."

"It was. I've got a large nail in my shoe."

"Well," said the manager, "for heaven's sake leave it in until the end of the run of the play."

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life - not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle - just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."

Assistant replies, "Sure, he is. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!"