Situations — most viewed jokes

Top reasons why it's great to be French:

• Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
• You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
• If there's a war you can surrender really early
• You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
• You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
• You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
• Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
• People think you're a great lover even when you're not

• It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
• It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist.
• Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.

A man walked into a lodge in Yellowstone National Park. 'Can you give me a room and bath?' he asked the clerk.
'I can give you a room,' the clerk said. 'But you'll have to take the bath by yourself!'

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
11. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
12. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.
13. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
14. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
15. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."
16. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
17. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
18. You keep losing dates on left turns.
19. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
• One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California
• With gun in lap: L.A.
• Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
• Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
• One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
• One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
• One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
• Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
• One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
• Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"

- Barber: And how old are you, little man?

- Fred: Eight.

- Barber: And do you want a haircut?

- Fred: Well, I certainly didn't come in for a shave!

Top things you should not say to a judge:

• "I got your community service right here pal!"
• "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
• "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
• "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
• "No you robe wearing geek."
• "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
• "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when they came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".

The other replied, "No, it's not!".

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."

- Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days?

- No. Why?

- Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
→ You can park in the handicap zone.