Situations — most viewed jokes

The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, who's president earned his MBA from UCLA, "How much will your company charge for this project?"

- 2 million - said Bruin.

- 1 million for materials and 1 million for labor.

Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered:

- 3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits.

Finally, the president asks the last company, Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered:

- 4 million.

- FOUR MILLION - yelled the president of ABC.

- How do you breakdown the cost?

Trojan replied:

- 1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said:

- Kramer, your grandmother died.

The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant:

- You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you.

The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.

The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said:

- Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!

Think you're having a bad day.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scubatanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handyplank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said:

- Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.

The husband was thinking to himself:

- Oh no, what has he done now?

- Well, bro, what did you name them? - and asked with some trepidation.

Whereupon, his brother replied:

- I named the little girl Denise.

The husband, relieved, said:

- That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?

The brother winked and replied:

- Denephew.

What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison?
→ One can't see to go, the other can't go to sea.

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender:

- I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass.

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says:

- Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?

The man answers:

- Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar.

I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.

I said:

- Hi Jack.

He shot me.

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed.

The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The Torontonian was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfies turn. He said:

- I'm afraid of needles and the electric chair won't work so I pick hanging.

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

- The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. — Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

- If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington! — Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

- Beauty is only a light switch away. — Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

- If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. — Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

- Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" — Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

- God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? — The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. — The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

- No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. — Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. — Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

- A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. — Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

- Watch out for gay limbo dancers. — Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

- Express Lane: Five beers or less. — Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.

- You're too good for him. — Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

- No wonder you always go home alone. — Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

- What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. — Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

- Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

- Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

- Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

- Bathhouses are against the law.

- In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

- No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

- Women may not drive in a house coat.

- It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

- Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

- You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

- Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

- City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

- You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

- It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

- Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)

- Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

- Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

- It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995)

- It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

- You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

- It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

- It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

- It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

- Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

- Toads may not be licked.

- You may not hunt moths under a street light.

- It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

- You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

- Zoot suits are prohibited.

- It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

- It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

- Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

- Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

- It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

- It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

- Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

- Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

- One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

- The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

- It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

- Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

- Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

- It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

- It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

- It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

- You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

- Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.