Situations — most viewed jokes

Insurance Form Statements...

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

One day a man went hunting for ducks. When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.

The Warden said:

- Hey Sir, what ya huntin?

The man said:

- Ducks.

The Warden said:

- Did ya have any luck?

He said:

- Got 3.

The Warden said:

- Let Me see them.

The Warden stuck his finger up the ducks butt, smelled it and said:

- This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?

The Man gave him the stamp.

The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said:

- Kentuky duck, got a stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said:

- Canada duck. Stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

Then the Warden said:

- Where you from anyway?

The man pulled down his pants and said:

- You're the expert, you tell me!

A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

- My fellow scientists - he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted:

- he's a &^^%@)&!

Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again:

- My fellow scientists,

Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled:

- this dumb %@(&+! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent $3%$##+=!

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.

The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist:

- We are going to have to arrest you.

The scientist replied:

- For what? You can't arrest me for killing a clone!

The attending scientists nodded in agreement.

- Well! - retorted the police chief.

He thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for...

- Making an obscene clone fall...

So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says:

- Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place.

Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found.

Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says:

- Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!

Last name: _________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
[] billy bob [] Bobby-Sue
[] Billy-Joe [] Bobby-Jo
[] Billy-Ray [] Bobby-Ann
[] Billy-Sue [] Bobby-Lee
[] Billy-Mae [] Bobby-Ellen
[] Billy-Jack [] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: _ M _ F ___ Not sure
Shoe Size: _ Left _ Right

Occupation:
[] Farmer [] Mechanic
[] Hair Dresser [] Waitress
[] Unemployed [] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: _________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________
Lover's Name: ________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:
[] Sister [] Aunt
[] Brother [] Uncle
[] Mother [] Son
[] Father [] Daughter
[] Cousin [] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____

Mother's Name: ___________________
Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [] own or [] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[] truck [] kitchen
[] bedroom [] bathroom
[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[] Yes [] No; if no, please explain: _____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[] National Enquirer [] The Globe
[] TV Guide [] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[] Yellow [] Brownish-Yellow
[] Brown [] Black
[_] N/A How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what's a miles?

What do you call the ghost who is a child-rearing expert?
→ Dr Spook.

What did you get for your birthday?
→ Another year!

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
→ They're hiring.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
→ Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
→ National Dyslexia Association.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
→ Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
→ Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
→ A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
→ Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
→ They all have phones.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
→ Sanka.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
→ Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
→ A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick.

- EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

- No, I don't have a license to kill; it's just a learners permit.

- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect.

- Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

- Taxation WITH representation Ain't so hot, either!

- White water... It's all over when the First Lady sings.

- Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Woo-hoo...check out these letters from tenants to landlords!

- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

- Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. . . .

- The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

- Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.

- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

- This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

- The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

- Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

- Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.