Situations — most viewed jokes

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7
33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"
42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
43. Only food that does not spoil: honey
44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
51. Polar bears are left-handed.
52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
53. Eskimos never gamble.
54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.
60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
61. Hot water is heavier than cold.
62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.
66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."
68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
71. Men get hiccups more often than women.
72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

Who won the Monster Beauty Contest?
→ No one.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying:

- Nice doggie!... till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

What has four legs and an arm?
→ A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.

SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.

EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:\WINDOWS
C:\WINDOWS\GO
C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS
C:\DOS\RUN
RUN\DOS\RUN

<-------- The information went data way -------->

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.

COM Halted...

Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

Access denied--nah nah na na

Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

There was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.

When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around.

He went over to the fisherman and said:

- You know, it's illegal to kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you.

The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.

- Out of curiosity - the coastguard asked.

- What did it taste like?

The fisherman replied:

- Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.

How can you shorten a bed?
→ Don't sleep long in it.

Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
A Commuter

Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
The Railroad

Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.

Your truly,
A Commuter

You Know You're Getting Older When...

- Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

- You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

- You get winded playing chess.

- Your children begin to look middle aged.

- You're still chasing women but can't remember why.

- A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."

- You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

- After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

- Dialing long distance wears you out.

- You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.

- You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

- You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.

- Your back goes out more often than you do.

- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

- The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

- You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Have you ever smelled mothballs????

I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, publicly accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.