Situations — most viewed jokes

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father:

- What is this, Father? The father [never having seen an elevator] responded:

- Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father yells to his son:

- Hurry boy - go get your mother!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

- My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.

- Well put - the judge replied.

- Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!

Some lessons learned in life:

- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

- If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

- People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

- And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

- You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.

- No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

- Never lick a steak knife.

- Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

- "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves:

- What are you doing in there? - she asked.

The rabbit replied:

- This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?

The lady confirmed:

- Yes.

- Well, - the rabbit said - I'm westing.

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said:

- Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

- Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am - he said politely, but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.

- That's right.

- Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.

- Well, today is his birthday.

How can you shorten a bed?
→ Don't sleep long in it.

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.

Well, here's the answer: It's simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.

Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.

All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

You might be a bad customer if:

- You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.

- You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.

- You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.

- You return the coffee because it's too hot.

- You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).

- You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.

- You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.

- If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20.

- You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.

- You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.

- You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.

- While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"

- You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn't like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.

- You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.

- You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)

The proud owner of an impressive new clock was showing it off to a friend:

- This clock, - he said - will go for 14 days without winding.

- Really? - replied his friend.

- And how long will it go if you do wind it?