Situations — most viewed jokes

- I was once in a play called Breakfast In Bed.

- Did you have a big role?

- No, just toast and marmalade.

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.

- Now don't let me ever see your face again - said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

- I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir - said the released man.

- And why not?

- Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her:

- How many children do you have?

- Ten - she replied.

- What are their names? - he asked.

- LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy - she answered.

- They're all named LeRoy? - he asked

- What if you want them to come in from playing outside?

- Oh, that's easy - she said.

- I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in.

- And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?

- I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner' - she answered.

- But what if you just want ONE of them to do something? - he asked.

- Oh, that's easy - she said.

- I just use their last name!

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

- Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am - he said politely - but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread!

- That's right.

- Every day you wallop him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were hitting him with a chocolate cake....?

- Well, today is his birthday!

- Hotel guest: Can you give me a room and a bath, please?

- Porter: I can give you a room, but you'll have to wash yourself.

- Pilot: Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.

- Tower: Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!

- Pilot: Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips? I sure can :)

- The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

- The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.

- You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"

- You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

- The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.

- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!

- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."

- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

- You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.

- You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

- You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...

- You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.

- Your dog has its own home page.

- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

- You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

- Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

- You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon".

- You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.

- Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.

- Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.

- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

The Lord spoke to Noah and said:

- Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.

And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the Ministry of Natural Resources that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, Environment Canada notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Conservation Authority wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"Revenue Canada has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the province that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has!"

- You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

- In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

- It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.

- You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.

- The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed)

- It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.

- No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.

- It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

- Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.

- You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

- You may not educate dogs.

- It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.

- It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.

- Silly string is banned.

- It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.

- May I take your order? - the waiter asked.

- Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?

- Nothing special sir - he replied.

- We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.