School — most viewed jokes

Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through the alphabet, having each child think up a word that starts with a letter. They get to "W", and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anything dirty with a "W" so she calls on him.

"Womb!", Little Johnny says.

"That's a good word, Johnny", teacher says. "Is that as in where babies come from?" she asks.

"No", says Johnny, "That's the sound elephants make when they're screwing... you know, "Womb! Womb! Womb!"

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls," and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse. So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra. Which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. And when johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

Little Johnny was in class again.

Teacher asked everyone "Can anyone tell me a sentence with the word definitely in it?" Meg puts up her hand.

"The sky is definitely blue." "Thats not bad,Meg," says the teacher, "but the sky can be grey or red." Young Sally tried :"The grass is definitely green." "Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow or brown too!" Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up.

"Miss Brown does a fart have lumps?" The teacher was horrified.

"No of course not Johnny! What are you talking about?" So Johnny says,"Well then Miss brown, I've definitely shit my pants!"

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy."

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic....

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

Buckwheat Lets the Cat Outta the Bag One day the little rascals were sitting in school. The teacher walked in, and said, "good morning class. Today we are going to play word games. I'm going to give you a word and I want you to put it in a sentence for me." She said "Spanky you're first. Your word is football." Spanky stood up and proudly said " I threw the football," and sat down. The teacher said "very good Spanky." Then the teacher said, "Darla, you're next. Your word is pretty." Darla stood up and said, " I think I'm very pretty!" Then she sat down. Then the teacher called on Buckwheat. She said, "Buckwheat, you're next. Your word is dictate." Buckwheat stood up looked at Arial, and said, "Hey Darla! How'd my dic tate las nigh?

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.

Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR:

Autumn Schedule

• MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
• MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
• MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
• MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

Winter Schedule

• MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
• MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m.
• MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
• EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
• ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule

• MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
• MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
• MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
• MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
• ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR:

Autumn Schedule

• SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
• SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
• MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
• MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
• ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

• MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
• MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
• MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
• MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
• MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

• MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
• MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
• MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
• MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
• MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives

• EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
• EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
• EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
• MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
• MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
• MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
• ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)