School — most viewed jokes

How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

SAT score decayAs we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years.

The following may be the reason why.

A math problem in the 60'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of porduction is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70's using New MathA logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?

A math problem in the 80'sA logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

A math problem in the 90's under Outcome Based Education.

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."

California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:

The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name: Gang:

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY: All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION: Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: Grades are variable.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: Everybody gets an A.

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!"

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

Academy of MudgeologySome selections from our catalog: Course number/Title/(Days/Time)MUS147 HOW TO HUM: LECTURE AND LAB (MW 10:00-10:50)HIS024 U.S. HISTORY SINCE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO (TH 12:00-1:15)GEO222 COUNTRIES THAT ARE ORANGE ON MAPS (MWF 2:00-2:50)ENG537 SURVEY IN ENG LIT: SIR FRANCIS BACON AND LORD HENRY SAUSAGE (MWF 9:00-11:15)POLS834 U.S. DOMESTIC POLICY: IF FROGS COULD VOTE (TH 1:30-2:45)ANT248 AMISH PARTY GAMES (W 6:00-8:15)FR106 ELEMENTARY FRENCH TOAST (MW 8:00-8:50)COM193 TOPICS FROM "GREEN ACRES": LIFE AND TIMES OF MR. HANEY (TU 7:00-9:15)HIS456 THE HISTORY OF SOUP (TH 9:30-10:45)CHE546 THE SCIENCE OF PLAY-DOH (MWF 10:00-10:50)PHI101 THE RAMBLINGS OF DEAD, DRUNKEN PHILOSOPHERS (MWF 9:00-9:50)ARC555 ARCHITECTURE OF THE BRADY BUNCH HOME (WTBS 4:35-5:05)MOO108 THE BOVINE ERA, PART IV: COW HISTORY SINCE 1784 (TH 5:30-7:15)ENG327 SHAKESPEAREAN MEMOS, MENUS, AND GROCERY LISTS (TH 11:00-12:15)ANT764 NOMADIC TRIBES OF SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA THAT ARE REALLY JUST LOST (MW 3:00-3:50)MATH001 COMPREHENSIVE STUDY OF THE NUMBER SEVEN (TH 9:30-10:45)POLS497 POLITICAL PARTY ETHICS (M 1:00-1:05)ARC123 DESIGNING MODERN CITIES USING LEGOS (MWF 2:00-2:50)MATH198 MATHEMATICS SO HARD THAT NO ONE CAN DO IT (W 6:00-8:30)COM253 UNDERSTANDING THE PLOT TWISTS IN "MELROSE PLACE" (MTWTFSS 9:00-4:15)A-S546 TOPICS IN MODERN ART: USING A LIVER AS A PAINT BRUSH (TH 3:00-4:15)HPR314 BEGINNING YAHTZEE (MWF 1:00-1:50)ENG893 THE ROMANTIC PROSE OF BARNEY FIFE (MWF 9:00-9:50)PHY276 HYPNOTIZING YOUR PETS (TH 2:00-3:15)TEL115 MUNSTERS/ADDAMS FAMILY: A COMPARISON STUDY (M 7:00-9:15)ENG690 STOOGE CRITICISM: THE SHEMP YEARS (MWF 10:00-10:50)Thanks to stampo (genie.com)

Examination to Qualify for Entrance to UNLV
(basketball players only)
Time Limit: 3 weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) Easterners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The UNLV tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting

You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

The biology teacher at the all-girls academy was handing back a test on the male anatomy. "I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester!"