Religion — most viewed jokes

Old English Churches by Beverley Minster

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says:

- Oy vey! What a wreck!

The priest asks him:

- Are you all right, Rabbi?

The Rabbi responds:

- Just a little shaken.

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says:

- Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says:

- Well, what are we going to tell the police?

- Well - the priest says - I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'.

Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men".

He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.

The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses". The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked:

- Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?

The smallish fellow replied:

- I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand here.

How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
→ Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the Pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
→ surname

The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there when they find out two things: God is a woman...and she nailed down all of Heaven's toilet seats!

In a nursing home, there is this old woman named Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a nun, opens her robe and yells:

- Super Pussy!

The nun says:

- Gladys, you know you're not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room.

Gladys starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to him, opens her robe and yells:

- Super Pussy!

The minister is shocked and tells her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an old man lying on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells:

- Super Pussy!

The man slowly turns his head and says:

- Thanks, I think I'll have the soup.

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

- Pull down your pants - whispered the pastor.

- Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind - the groom responded.

- I think I want the traditional service.

Man says to God:

- God, why did you make woman so beautiful? - God says:

- So you would love her.

- But God, - the man says - why did you make her so dumb?

- So she would love you. - God replies.

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.

The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive.

The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..

"Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"