Random joke from this category
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this cushy life to keep
I pray for toys that look like mice
and warm cushions soft and nice
For grocery bags where I can hide
Just like a tiger croucched inside
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks
and someone nice to scratch my back
For window sills all warm and bright
for shadows to explore by night
I pray I'll always stay real cool
and keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really run by cats.
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say:
- Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed:
- Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?
- Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!
Caught napping at work, school, or church...try this one.
Guaranteed to work!
Just pick your head up real fast and say:
- ...in JESUS' name...
- AMEN!
(he-he...how can they yell at you for this :)
ADDENDUM: For some reason, it won't work in a Synagogue?
What did God say after she made Eve?
→ "Practice makes perfect."
After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said:
- Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!
The Preacher replied:
- Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...
- I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!
The man said:
- I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!
The Reverend said:
- Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church!
The man said:
- Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!
And the Reverend said:
- NO SHIT?!
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:
- Don't.
- Don't what? - Adam replied.
- Don't eat the forbidden fruit. - God said.
- Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!
- No way!
- Yes, WAY!
- Don't eat that fruit! - said God.
- Why?
- Because I'm your Father and I said so! - said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
- Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit? - the First Parent asked.
- Uh huh - Adam replied.
- Then why did you?
- I dunno - Eve answered.
- She started it! - Adam said.
- Did not!
- DID so!
- DID NOT!
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also.
- Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings - said St. Peter.
They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter:
- Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said:
- True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here.
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly:
- Where is God?
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question:
- Where is God?
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed:
- Where is God!?
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked:
- What happened?
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied:
- We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum:
- I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! - the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied:
- Bring him in. We'll check it out.
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist:
- You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?
- Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'.
God created the donkey & said to him:
- You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey.
The donkey answered:
- I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years.
God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him:
- You will be a dog. You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog.
The dog answered:
- Sir, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years.
God granted his wish.
God created the Monkey and said to him:
- You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey.
The monkey answered:
- Sir, to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years.
God granted his wish.
Finally God created the man and said to him:
- You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years.
Man responded:
- Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused.
God granted his wish.
And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spend 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
