Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

1. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
2. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.
3. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don't you just come along peacefully?
4. I envy your lipstick.
5. I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?
6. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - I've just gotta have it.
7. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm here after.
8. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
9. Baby, you look so sweet you're giving me a cavity.
10. Is it me or am I gorgeous?
11. I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
→ They never stop to ask directions.

Men are like bank accounts.

Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

A man went to his doctor and said, "I want to be castrated."

"What?" said the doctor, "surely you don't want that."

"Yes," said the man, "that's what I want; I insist."

So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.

"Oh, I was circumsized," the man said.

"Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!"

Why do men like love at first sight?
→ It saves them a lot of time.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
→ They're married.

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

First Year

Autumn Schedule

• MEN 101--Combating Stupidity
• MEN 102--You, Too, Can Do Housework
• MEN 103--PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
• MEN 104--We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule

• MEN 110--Wonderful Laundry Techniques
• MEN 111--Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am
• MEN 112--Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
• EAT 100--Get a Life, Learn to Cook
• EAT 101--Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
• ECON 001A--What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule

• MEN 120--How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong
• MEN 121--Understanding Your Incompetence
• MEN 122--YOU, the Weaker Sex
• MEN 123--Reasons to Give Flowers
• ECON 001C--What Was Yours is Hers

Second Year

Autumn Schedule

• SEX 101--You CAN Fall Asleep without It
• SEX 102--Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
• SEX 103--How to Stay Awake After Sex
• MEN 201--How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
• Elective--See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

• MEN 210--The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
• MEN 211--How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
• MEN 212--You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
• MEN 213--Believe Me, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
• MEN 230A--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

• MEN 220--Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
• MEN 221--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
• MEN 222--Real Men Ask for Directions
• MEN 223--Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Course Electives

• EAT 101--Cooking with Tofu
• EAT 102--Utilization of Eating Utensils
• EAT 103--Burping and Belching Discreetly
• MEN 231--Mothers-in-law
• MEN 232--Appear to Be Listening
• MEN 233--Just Say "Yes, Dear"
• ECON 001C--Cheaper to Keep Her

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the following drugs are under testing now:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

The National Organzation For Women is lobbying congress and the FDA to make these new drugs available for sale over the counter, as well as available in men's rooms everywhere.

In order to appeal to a boader customer base, Pfizer is also developing the following drugs intended primarily for women:

NagAgra - Causes Women not to nag their spouse.

HonydewAgra - Causes women to actually do house hold maintenance instead of just writing things down.

InformAgra - Causes women to tell their spouses about plans they have made that involve said spouse.

Butt-outAgra - Causes women not to pry into the personal lives of others and mind their own business.

PersonalAgra - Causes women not to discuss their sex lives with aquaintances of their spouse

SportAgra - Makes women understand the male need for consuming large quantities of fermented beverages while watching contact sports.

Cindi CrawfordAgra - Need I say more?