Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner.

If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.

If they pay for dinner, you are using them.

If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.

If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.

If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.

If they want sex, they won't let you sleep.

If you want sex, they won't wake up.

If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.

If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends.

If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don't like their friends.

What should you buy if your hair falls out?
→ A good vacuum cleaner!

- Novice: Do clever men make good husbands?

- Sage: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

"Before I married my wife," a husband once said, "it was nothing but wine, women, and song.

Now that I'm her husband, it's beer, mama, and TV."

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
→ Bonds mature.

Why did the woman cross the road?
→ Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU," To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

Wifespeak / Translation

• You want: You want
• We need: I want
• It's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now
• Do what you want: You'll pay for this later
• We need to talk: I need to complain
• Sure...go ahead: I don't want you to.
• I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron.
• You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?
• I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting!: I'm on my period.
• Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.
• I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper....
• I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
• Hang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me?: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me?: I did something today you're really not going to like.
• I'll be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
• Is my butt fat?: Tell me I'm beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me!?: [Too late, your dead.]
• Yes: No
• No: No
• Maybe: No
• I'm sorry: You'll be sorry.
• Do you like this recipe?: It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
• Was that the baby?: Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
• I'm not yelling!: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
• All we're going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at few new pocketbooks, and, oh my god, there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

• The same old thing.: Nothing.
• Nothing.: Everything.
• Everything: My PMS is acting up.
• Nothing, really.: It's just that you're such an asshole..
• I don't want to talk about it.: Go away, I'm still building up steam.

Contest: Beer vs. Pussy

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married. Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy.

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy - you're dead. Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy.

Too much beer and you get fat. Toom much pussy and it makes you poor. Advantage: Draw.

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy.

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five! Advantage: Pussy.

With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: beer.

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy.

Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy.

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran. Advantage: Draw.

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.