Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

How are men like carpet tiles?
→ If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

How do men exercise on the beach?
→ By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
→ Women working at 900 numbers.

Your head is sooooo bald I mistook you for a green rabbit.

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
→ In the pages of a romance novel.

How do you Scare a Man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
→ Exchange him.

What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
→ A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

How do you get a man to exercise?
→ Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know. It's never happened.

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
→ Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.

What is a man's idea of safe sex?
→ A padded headboard.

Men are like vacations....
→ they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers....
→ hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers....
→ load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like horoscopes....
→ they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers....
→ they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like laxatives....
→ they irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like parking spots....
→ the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Why are men like lawnmowers?
→ They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.

Why are men like tile floors?
→ If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.

Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
→ "How come?"

What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
→ They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
→ S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
→ Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
→ A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
→ The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
→ A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
→ There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
→ Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
→ If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
→ Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
→ A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
→ One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One ... Men will screw anything.

Why do men act like idiots?
→ Who says they're acting?

Why do polo bears like bald men?
→ Because they have a great, white, bear place!

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:

• If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.
• Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
• Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.
• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.
• ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
• Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
• No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.
• Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.
• Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
• "Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.
• A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
• Check your oil.
• Don't give us rules.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
• Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 2 days.
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
• Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!