Medicine — most viewed jokes

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.

"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

"Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we'd better run it through again..."

Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?

- Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.

- Wait a minute please.

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
→ The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.
The staff have the keys!

This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby.

- I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs...

- Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it.

- He's got no arms either...

- That bad, uh? I have to see it!

- And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an ear...

- ... He's still my son, take me to him now.

Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge ear in it.

- My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!!

- Louder...he's deaf too!!!

Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died!

This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, "I've just got to marry this woman, I love her so much..."

So the doctor says, "Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure.

Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, "We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%."

The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!"

- Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.

- Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober!"

A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the "Atlantic Monthly":

At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat.

By then, the cold is probably cured.