Medicine — most viewed jokes

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.

One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society."

"Wow, that's wonderful."

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?"

"I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out."

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The psychiatrist exclaimed, "My God what are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen.

I told him, "Just give them your underwear."

What do you call a python with a great bedside manner?
→ A snake charmer!

- Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.

- Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

A man has a car wreck and they have to amputate his brain.

So the nurse takes him to the brain transplant wearhouse.

On one side of the shelves are lined with brains marked $500.00 each. On the other side the shelves are lined with brains marked $200.00 each.

The brainless man asks why the price differece.

The nurse points to the $200.00 brains and explains that these are female brains, so they've been used.

- I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?

- Do begin with the bad news, please.

- Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.

- Good grief! What's the good news?

- The good news is that there is no more bad news.

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet.

Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now".

The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"

- Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better?

- I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet...