Medicine — most viewed jokes

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.

- Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.

- But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

- Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!

- Doc: Do you drink a lot?

- Not really - I spill most of it!

- Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

- Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.

- Then you'll have a bad headache.

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!

- Doc: When did this start?

- Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...

- Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!

- Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

- Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?

- Doc: I never make rash promises!

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!

- Doc: So what's wrong with that?

- I think I'm going to croak!

What do you do for a pig with sore muscles?
→ Rub him with oinkment.

- Open wider. - requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.

- Good God! - he said startled.

- You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen.

- OK Doc! - replied the patient.

- I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice.

- I didn't! - said the dentist.

- That was the echo.

What a BLONDE will ask the doctor, in the maternity ward?
→ "Is it mine?"

A patient says to his doctor:

- Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!

Doctor says to patient:

- You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!

... next day... patient says:

- Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!

Doctor says:

- Oh really? That's good to hear!

Patient says:

- Oh by the way,

- You've got a great house!

- adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto

- anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.

- antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.

- bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?

- bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.

- catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)

- cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)

- d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.

- emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how

- fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)

- genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee

- heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1

- hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter

- mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female

- papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy

- recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur

- rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk

- seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome.

- series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

- testicles....(n) books of the Bible

- tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call

- urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

How can you get a set of teeth put in for free?
→ Smack a monster.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied:

- Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied:

- Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb.

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1:

- If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself

Patient #1 replies:

- What? And work in the dark?

- Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!

- What sister?

- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?

- Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!