Medicine — most viewed jokes

This crazy guy walks into an insane asylum wearing nothing but plastic wrap as shorts.

The doctor walks in and tells him:

- I can clearly see your nuts!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

- Ladies, exercise is good for you, - announced the teacher.

- Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

- Yes? - asked the instructor.

- Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked:

- Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?

- Sure, it's easy. - replied the neurosurgeon.

- All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie.

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him:

- I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.

The patient replied:

- Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?

I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen.

One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.

At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.

The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring...

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:

- Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?

- Yes - the professor ansvered.

- When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.

- Well - said the gatekeeper:

- That is a very minor sin. You may enter.

- Thank you very much, Saint Peter - the professor ansvered.

- Im am not Saint Peter - said the gatekeeper:

- He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.

- Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.

- Don't talk rubbish!

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks:

- Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?

- Worse - says the doctor.

- It's frostbite!

Psychiatrist:

1. Mind-sweeper.
2. Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Psychiatry: The care of the id by the odd.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said:

- I forgot my teeth.

The man said:

- No problem.

With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.

- Try these - he said.

The speaker tried them.

- Too loose - he said.

The man then said:

- I have another pair...try these.

The speaker tried them and responded:

- Too tight.

The man was not taken back at all. He then said:

- I have one more pair of false teeth...try them.

The speaker said:

- They fit perfectly.

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him:

- I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist.

The man replied:

- I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker.

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthily examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said:

- I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month.

Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said:

- Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends:

- I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion:

- Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?

Murphy said:

- I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!