Medicine — most viewed jokes

- Caller: My goodness, Operator! Your nose is so stuffed up, I can't understand you. You should really take something for that cold.

- Operator: Good idea. I'll take the rest of the day off!

- Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee

- Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?

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A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.

"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist.

"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.

"And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty-five years he's very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though."

"Bad news first, please."

"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."

"Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that."

"But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!"

How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm

- How boring for you!

- Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

- Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.

Benign
→ What you be after you be eight.

Artery
→ The study of paintings.

Bacteria
→ Back door to cafeteria.

Barium
→ What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section
→ A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan
→ Searching for kitty.

Cauterize
→ Made eye contact with her.

Colic
→ A sheep dog.

Coma
→ A punctuation mark.

D & C
→ Where Washington is.

Dilate
→ To live long.

Enema
→ Not a friend.

Fester
→ Quicker than someone else.

Fibula
→ A small lie.

Genital
→ Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series
→ World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail
→ What you hang your coat on.

Impotent
→ Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain
→ Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff
→ A Doctor's cane.

Morbid
→ A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates
→ Cheaper than day rates.

Node
→ Was aware of

Outpatient
→ A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear
→ A fatherhood test.

Pelvis
→ Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative
→ A letter carrier.

Recovery Room
→ Place to do upholstery.

Rectum
→ Darn near killed him.

Secretion
→ Hiding something.

Seizure
→ Roman emperor.

Tablet
→ A small table.

Terminal Illness
→ Getting sick at the Bus Station

Tumor
→ More than one.

Urine
→ Opposite of you're out.

Varicose
→ Near by/close by.

Vein
→ Conceited.

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."