Medicine — most viewed jokes

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other:

- Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?

- Outstanding - Fred replied - They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.

- That's great! What was the name of the clinic?

Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked:

- What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?

- You mean a rose?

- Yes, that's it!

He turned to his wife. . .

- Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

- ARTERY--The study of fine paintings.

- BARIUM--What you do when CPR fails.

- BENIGN--What yoiu are after you be8.

- CAESAREAN SECTION--A district in Rome.

- COLIC--A sheep dog.

- COMA--A punctuation mark.

- CONGENITAL--Friendly.

- DILATE--To live longer.

- FESTER--Quicker.

- G.I. SERIES--Baseball game between teams of soldiers.

- GRIPPE--A suitcase.

- HANGNAIL--A coat hook.

- MEDICAL STAFF--A Doctor's cane.

- MINOR OPERATION--Coal digging.

- MORBID--A higher offer.

- NODE--Was aware of.

- ORGANIC--Church musician.

- OUTPATIENT--A person who has fainted.

- POST-OPERATIVE--A letter carrier.

- PROTEIN--In favor of young people.

- SECRETION--Hiding anything.

- SEROLOGY--Study of English knighthood.

- TABLET--A small table.

- TUMOR--An extra pair.

- URINE--Opposite of you're out.

- VARICOSE VEINS--Veins which are very close together.

Why are vampires like false teeth?
→ They all come out at night.

What comes out at night and goes Munch, munch, ouch!
→ A vampire with a rotten tooth.

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

- Who are these from? - she asked the nurse.

- They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them.

- Well - said the nurse.

- The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.

- Ahhh, thats really nice - said Lucy.

- The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!

- Brilliant! - said Lucy.

- And the third?

- Thats from Eric in the burns unit - said the nurse.

- He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

- People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears - one says - but we have no one to go to with our own problems.

- Since we're all professionals - another suggests - why don't we hear each other out right now?

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses:

- I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.

The second admits:

- I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.

The third psychiatrist says:

- I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.

Why is 4,840 square yards like a bad tooth?
→ Because it is an acre.

- Fred: I haven't slept a wink for the past two nights.

- Harry: Why's that?

- Fred: Granny broke her leg. The doctor put it in plaster and told her she shouldn't walk upstairs. You should hear the row when she climbs up the drainpipe.

- Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing.

- I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that!

How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
→ It's the one with bite marks on the cap.