Random joke from this category
Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check.
- I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?
- Good news first.
- OK, You got 24 hours to live
- Dang, whats the bad news!
- I shoulda' told you yesterday!
- Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
- Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
- Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
- Viagra, Home of the whopper
- Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em
- Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
- Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
- Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.
- Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
- This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.
He says:
- How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.
The doc said:
- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says:
- You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts.
He whips down his pants and says:
- Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!
If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.
A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:
- Doctor: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
- Lady: ?eh?
- Doctor: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
- Lady: ?? EH??
- Doctor: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! --A SUPPOSITORY!!!
- Lady: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid!
A doctor tells his patient:
- I've got some good news and I've got some bad news for you.
So, the patient asks:
- What's the good news, Doc?
And the doctor says:
- They're going to name a disease after you!
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:
The brain said:
- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The eyes said:
- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The hands said:
- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The stomach said:
- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The legs said:
- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
Then the rectum said:
- I think I should be in charge.
All the rest of the parts said:
- YOU?!! You don't do anything! You're not as important as we are, surely! You can't be in charge!
So the rectum closed up... After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge.... just an asshole!
- I have some bad news and some very bad news.
- Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
- The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
- 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
- I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
- He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once - John explained.
- Ex-Lax won't cure a cough! - Bob shouted angrily.
- Sure it will - John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
- Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!
- Patient: Tell me honestly, how am I?
- Dentist: Your teeth are fine, but your gums will have to come out.
