Medicine — most viewed jokes

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

- How did this happen? the emergency room doctor asked her.

- Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

- What? sputtered the doctor. You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?

- No, Silly! the blonde said. First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.

- And then?

- Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.

- And then?

- Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.

The Polish Medical Dictionary:

• Anti-Body - against everyone
• Artery - study of paintings
• Bandages - The Rolling Stones
• Bacteria - what to do when treatment fails
• Botulism - tendency to make mistakes
• Bowel - letters lik A E I O or U
• Caesarean Section - a district in Rome
• Cardiology - advanced study of poker playing
• Cat Scan - searching for ones lost kitty
• Cauterize - made eye contact with her
• Colic - sheep dog
• Coma - punctuation mark
• Congenital - friendly
• Cortisone - the local courthouse
• D & C - where Washington is
• Dilate - to live long
• Enema - not a friend
• Enteritis - a penchant for burglary
• ER - the things on your head that you hear with
• Fester - quicker
• Fibrillate - to tell lies
• Genes - blue denim slacks
• Genital - non-Jewish
• Hangnail - coat hook
• Hemorrhoid - a male From outer space
• Herpes - what women do in the Ladies Room
• Hormones - what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid
• ICU - peek-a-boo
• Impotent - distinguished, well known
• Inpatient - tired of waiting
• Labor Pain - hurt at work
• Medical Staff - a doctor's cane
• Minor Operation - coal digging
• Morbid - a higher bid
• Nitrate - cheaper than the Day Rate
• Node - was aware of
• Organ transplant - what you do to your piana when you move
• Organic - organ repairman
• Outpatient - a person who has fainted
• Paralyze - two far-fetched stories
• Pathological - a reasonable way to go
• Pharmacist - person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
• Plaster cast - the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert
• Post-Operative - a letter carrier
• Protein - in favor of young people
• Recovery Room - place to upholster furniture
• Rectum - what happened to the Corvette
• Red blood count - Dracula
• Rheumatic - amorous
• Saline - where you go on your boyfriend's boat
• Secretion - hiding something
• Surgery - a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply
• Sterile solution - not using the elevator during a fire
• Tablet - a small table
• Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
• Tibia - country in North Africa
• Triple bypass - better than a quarterback sneak
• Tumor - an extra pair
• Urine - opposite of "You're Out"
• Varicose - nearby
• Vein - conceited

What does an aardvark use when he has a cold?
→ An ant-ihistamine!

- Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

- Patient: Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time.

The Doctor nods.

- Doctor: Hmm.

- Patient: My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?

- Doctor: Hmm.

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled.

- Patient: Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?

The Doctor sighs.

- Doctor: No. The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise - Calories burned per hour

• Beating around the bush - 75
• Jumping to conclusions - 100
• Climbing the walls - 150
• Swallowing your pride - 50
• Passing the buck - 25
• Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300
• Dragging your heels - 100
• Pushing your luck - 250
• Making mountains out of molehills - 500
• Hitting the nail on the head - 50
• Wading through paperwork - 300
• Bending over backwards - 75
• Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
• Balancing the books - 25
• Running around in circles - 350
• Eating crow - 225
• Tooting your own horn - 25
• Climbing the ladder of success - 750
• Pulling out the stops - 75
• Adding fuel to the fire - 160
• Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

• Opening a can of worms - 50
• Putting your foot in your mouth - 300
• Starting the ball rolling - 90
• Going over the edge - 25
• Picking up the pieces after - 350

Do you know the difference between mono & herpes?
→ You get mono from snatching a kiss....

- Ted: Last night my computer died.

- Ned: What did it die of?

- Ted: A terminal illness

A doctor came to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.

The doctor asked the man: "What are you doing, walking the dog?"

The man replied: "Oh no, I'm just dragging my toothbrush on a leash." The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions...

And the man said to his toothbrush: "Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!"

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?' The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in.'

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.'

St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?' The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'

What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
→ Elkaseltzer.