Medicine — most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
→ He worked it out with a pencil...

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouts across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on over here a minute!" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic...

"Now try doing it with the engine running!"

In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front of him, the person turned and asked, what the hell you are doing?

"Well," said the guy massaging the back, "you see I'm a chiropractor and I can't help massaging your back, in fact I can't help practicing my art".

"Are you crazy?" the other guy said, "I'm a lawyer, am I fucking the guy in front of me!"

Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:

"Zelda, you've always been by my side"

"When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side"

"When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side"

"When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side"

"When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side"

"And now when I'm dying; you are at my side"............

"Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!"

Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?
→ To catch her false teeth.

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder.
The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

POLISH MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN

• artery - the study of fine painting
• barium - what you do when the patient dies
• beneign - what you are after you are eight
• cesarean section - a district in Rome
• colic - a sheep dog
• congenital - friendly
• dilate - to live long
• fester - quicker
• G.I. series - baseball game between soldiers
• hangnail - coat hook
• medical staff - a doctors cane
• minor operation - coal digger
• morbid - a higher offer
• nitrate - lower than the day rate
• node - was aware of
• organic - church musician
• out-patient - a person who has fainted
• post-operative - a letter carrier
• protein - in favor of young people
• secretion - hiding anything
• serology - study of English knighthood
• tablet - a small table
• tumor - an extra pair
• urine - opposite of your out
• varicose veins - veins very close together

- Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge.

- Doctor: What's comes over you?

- Patient: 2 trucks, 4 vans and 8 cars

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

What did the vampire call his false teeth?
→ A new fangled device.