Medicine — most viewed jokes

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean!" The guy says, "Can't you tell the difference?"

"Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what ya do...
Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, - don't have sex with her anymore!"

What is a computer virus?
→ A terminal illness.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!"

Some Warning Signs of Insanity

• You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
• You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
• Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
• You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
• You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
• You collect dead windowsill flies.
• Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
• You like cats. Especially with mayo.
• You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
• You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
• Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
• You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
• You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
• Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
• Melba toast sexually excites you.
• When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
• You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
• You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
• Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
• Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
• You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
• You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
• You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
• People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!"

The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!"

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
• The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Junkie Barbie ...complete with needle tracks

What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
→ The taste!

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?