Random joke from this category
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked:
- Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?
- My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one - said Bob.
- Good Lord - said David.
- you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here.
The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says:
- Honey, look what I won at bingo.
Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says:
- Honey look what I won at bingo.
Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says:
- Honey, look what I won at bingo.
The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks:
- Honey shall I draw you a bath?
To which she replies:
- Why sure.
As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.
She asks:
- how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?
To which the husband replies:
- I wouldn't want you to get your bingo card wet!
- Wife: Who was that on the phone?
- Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.
- Wife: What did he say?
- Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."
But this isn't an engagement ring. - the young lady protested.
- Why it's just a tiny unset diamond.
Yeah! I know. - said the fellow.
- And, it'll be mounted in a cluster around a big one, the very day after you are.
A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.
The officer says:
- Pull over,
and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.
He says:
- I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?
The police officer says:
- No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back.
The man replies:
- Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!
Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.
- Leave only one quart of milk - she said.
- Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow.
Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up.
- Woman: Quick! My husband is back!
Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think:
- Shit! But I am the husband!
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained:
- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.
- Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH! - she screamed.
- Funny - he muttered.
- you even sound exactly like her.
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said:
- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.
- You're a brave man, - said the dentist.
- Now, show me which tooth it is.
The husband turns to his wife and says:
- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
