Random joke from this category
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever" Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my husband.....stiff at last"
I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!
AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS:
- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
- When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.
- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a nice appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong?
→ Made her chain too long.
A man complaining to a friend:
- I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...then ... pow! ... it was all gone!
- What happened? - asked the friend.
- Ahhhh ... my wife found out ...
A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, "Are you my dad?". The doctor says, "No, I am your doctor!". With that, the baby pops right back inside. "Damn!", says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push through again. "Are you my dad?", asks the baby. "No, I am your doctor.", he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, "Nurse, get that baby's father in here right away--we may have a situation on our hands!". Moments later the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's head once again pops out. "Are you my dad?", the baby asks of the father. The father replies, "Yes, little baby, I am your father!" The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger--"How do you like that?"
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.
- My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure - she lamented to the woman next to her.
- Well - the lady replied.
- what's wrong with that?
- He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings.
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
- Last night I made love to my wife four times - the Frenchman bragged.
- and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.
- Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times - the Italian responded.
- and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked:
- And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?
- Once - he replied.
- Only once? - the Italian arrogantly snorted.
- And what did she say to you this morning?
- Don't stop.
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said:
- Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says:
- Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!
The woman says:
- Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!
