Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

- My wife's gone to the West Indies.

- J'ya make'er?

- No, Barbados.

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.

She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a crossdresser
Worse: He looks better than you

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says:

- How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way.

The doc said:

- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says:

- You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says:

- Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?" "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

A man was complaining to a friend:

- I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!

- What happened? - asked the friend.

- My wife found out.

A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes.

- Hello, hello, hello! - he screamed at them.

- Aren't you talking to me? - his missus snapped.

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says:

- See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!

John replies:

- Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
11. Today is our what?
12. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
13. I thought we only celebrated important events?
14. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
15. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
16. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
17. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
18. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
19. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.

- That's thoughtful, darling - she cooed - but we'll need the light if you want to write thank-you notes.