Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked:

- Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?

- I had tolio as a child - he answered.

- You mean polio? - she asked.

- No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

- What's wrong with your knees? - She asked.

- They're all lumpy and deformed!

- As a child, I also had kneasles - he explained.

- You mean measles? - she asked.

- No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

- Don't tell me - she said.

- Let me guess.. Smallcox?

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says:

- Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.

- No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

- Novice: Do clever men make good husbands?

- Sage: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didn't show up at the church.
He got colt feet

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial.

He began:

- Mrs. Roth, was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?

- Well... yeah... I guess... - she replied.

- And when was that? - pressed the attorney.

- Well... - she replied.

- when he asked for his third cup.

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself:

- Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself:

- Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says:

- Darling, I've a confession to make.

And she says:

- So have I, love.

To which he replies:

- Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks!

Good: You came home for a quickie
Bad: The postman had the same idea
Worse: You have to wait

- Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?

- Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
→ When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Two wives were airing their troubles:

- I'd like to get a divorce - said the first.

- My husband and I just don't get along.

- Why don't you sue him for incompatibility? - asked the second.

- I would if I could catch him at it - replied the first.