Random joke from this category
- Get this. - said the bloke to his mates.
- Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
- Did he get anything? - his mates asked.
- Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed:
- Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!
- Darling - the wife said, spitting out her gag.
- I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
- Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.
- Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.
- You were perfectly right.
- You want to speak with her? All right.
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
- Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!
Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives.
After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.
The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his independence.
- That's easy - said the fellow.
- My wife told me to stand here!
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:
- Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?
To which the farmer replied:
- Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.
The doctor says:
- You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well:
- Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember - she says
- I am going to treat you like a king!
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.
She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.
Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her:
- Honey? - he whispers.
She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
Well, the man decides to tap her again:
- Honey? - he whispers.
She rolls over and yells:
- Oh sure!... You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said:
- Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.
- My darling - he replied.
- think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says:
- No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!
- Well, what should I do? - asks the man.
- Hold the club gently - the pro replied - just like you'd hold your wife's breast.
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says:
- No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.
- What can I do? - asks the wife.
- Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
- That was great - the pro says with a straight face.
- Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!
Two friends in a Bar:
- JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex?
- JOE: Er..., when I clean myself off with the curtains.
