Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said:

- Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.

The hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The first night the hillbilly anxiously jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready for a little romance.

His new bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says:

- Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin.

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there his father says:

- Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon.

The son, almost out of breath from his run to the house says:

- Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!!!!

- Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!

"Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. "One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

- Nothing, - said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again:

- Seriously, what's wrong?

- Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

- Why should I? - he said:

- Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift.

- Yes, - she said:

- but I'm their real mother.

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home...

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife:

- Up, or down?

The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife:

- Up, or down?

She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for 2 glorious weeks.

When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again...:

- Up, or down?

His wife says:

- What?

To which he replies:

- During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long.

The wife says:

- Ooooh, I thought you said 'Fuck, or drown!'

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
→ Made her chain too long.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick.

- I assume - she barked.

- there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?

- There is! - he replied.

- Breakfast.

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident.

Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says:

- Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness.

- Saints Preserve us - says she - is Mike alright?

Pat responds:

- I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!

- Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt? - says Mary.

- Sure, an it's worse than that - says Pat - he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!

- Oh, well - says Mary - At least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a lick!

- Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that - says Pat - but it's be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said:

- I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.

He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining:

- I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them.

The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said:

- Small World!

Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.

Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife:

- That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver.

Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said:

- Sorry Sam, it's for after.