Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

I got home from work last night and said to my wife:

- You are a one

She said:

- What do you mean, I am a one?

I said:

- If Bo Derek's a ten, you're a one.

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

- Last night I made love to my wife four times - the Frenchman bragged - And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.

- Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times - the Italian responded - And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked:

- And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?

- Once - he replied.

- Only once? - the Italian arrogantly snorted.

- And what did she say to you this morning?

- Don't stop.

My wife and I are into S & M
She Sleeps and I masturbate

Conversation over dinner:

- Woman: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

- Man: Definitely not!

- Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?

- Man: Of course I do.

- Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

- Man: Okay, I'd get married again.

- Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

- Man: (makes audible groan)

- Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

- Man: Where else would we sleep?

- Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

- Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

- Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

- Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

- Woman: - - - silence - - -

- Man: Oh Shit.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband:

- I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?

- You'll know tonight. - he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

These two guys go to a whorehouse.

The first guy goes in then comes out and says:

- My wife is better.

The second guy goes in then comes out and says:

- You know what? Your wife IS better.

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.

Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded:

- If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!

The wife replied:

- My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said:

- Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.

- My darling - he replied, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said:

- If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

- You're going to die - she replied.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"