Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Secret tips for making a marriage last...

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife:

- Where do you want to go for our anniversary?

- Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!

So I suggested:

- How about the kitchen?

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said:

- There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !

So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me:

- In the lake.

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling:

- Am I too late for the garbage?

The driver said:

- No, jump in!

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said:

- You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?

She answered by saying:

- I bought it with the insurance money!

She then said:

- Irving, remember that new car you promised me?

She answered again saying:

- Well, I bought it with the insurance money!

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said:

- Irving remember that BlowJob I promised you? Here it comes...

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them

"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla. "But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded. "He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

- What's bothering you so, dear? - inquired Farther O'Grady.

- Oh, father, I've got terrible news. - Replied Mary.

- Well what is it, Mary?

- Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.

- Oh, Mary - said the father - that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?

- Well, yes he did father - replied Mary.

- What did he ask, Mary?

Mary replied:

- He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'

- Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?

- Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds:

- My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires:

- Is that true?

The husband replies:

- Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked:

- What are the grounds for your divorce?

She replied:

- About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.

- No - he said

- I mean what is the foundation of this case?

- It is made of concrete, brick and mortar - she responded.

- I mean - he continued

- What are your relations like?

- I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.

He said:

- Do you have a real grudge?

- No - she replied

- We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.

- Please - he tried again

- is there any infidelity in your marriage?

- Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.

- Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?

- Yes - she responded

- about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked:

- Lady, why do you want a divorce?

- Oh, I don't want a divorce - she replied.

- I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!