Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife:

- Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses:

- Yes. Yes he did.

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks:

- Who? Who was he? Who was the father?

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says:

- You.

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..."

She says:

- Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?

He says:

- I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.

Do you know why single women can't fart?
→ Because, they don't get assholes untill they get married.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband:

- When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?

The husband replied:

- All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked:

- What are you thinking now?

He replied:

- It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!"

A guy calls the hospital. He says:

- You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!

The nurse says:

- Calm down. Is this her first child?

He says:

- No! This is her husband!

Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.

Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife:

- That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver.

Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said:

- Sorry Sam, it's for after.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says:

- maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation:

- I now pronounce you man and wife.