Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game.

And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.

- Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?

- Bob: Darts?

- Bill: Nah.

- Bob: Shoot some pool?

- Bill: Nah.

- Bob: Cards?

- Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife.

- Bob: Whadaya mean?

- Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around with my wife.

- Bob: What about me?

- Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all.

- Bob: Well... if you think it's okay...

- Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go!

At Bill's house

- Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house!

There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll.

He brought her back to the States and they were very happy.

He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had. Every day it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have." Every night it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have."

Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, "Beautiful Butt."

So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, "There is no way I can get "Beautiful Butt" on your tiny little beautiful butt." But I can put a nice "B" on each cheek which will stand for "Beautiful Butt."

A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B's. Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.

Quickly sitting up he exclaims:

- Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?

A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the apartment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am having a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

- What's up? - he says.

- I'm having a heart attack - cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says:

- Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

- You jerk - yells the husband.

- my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question:

- How many times have you cheated on your wife?

The first one answers:

- Never!

St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven. The second man answers:

- Oh, about 25-30 times.

He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way. The third man answers:

- Maybe 400-500 times

and is assigned a bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to:

- why the sad face?

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said:

- I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

- Yes, please - she replied.

- Tell him Mother didn't come after all.

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks:

- I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says:

- Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?

He replies:

- You didn't use what I got you last year!

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly:

- What's that?

pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said:

- Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night.

And she, in amazement, asked:

- Is that all we have left?

What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?
→ A ladder in her stocking!

A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.

He says to her:

- What's going on?

She says:

- Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!