Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.

- HA - he snorted.

- The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!

On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward:

- There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat.

- That's not your chest! - he roars back.

- Damn right it's my chest - she argued.

- Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!

Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.

A man marries a woman, expecting she will never change, and she does. A woman marries a man expecting he WILL change, and he doesn't.

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
→ Outlaws are wanted.

- Was your wife a virgin when you married?

- I don't know. Some say yes. Some say no.

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said:

- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

- You're a brave man - said the dentist.

- Now, show me which tooth it is.

The husband turns to his wife and says:

- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said:

- I want you to help me get a divorce.

The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.

- My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.

- What do you mean? - asked the attorney.

- Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?

- No - replied the woman - and neither does the little queer.

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife:

- Where's the rake?

She replies by nodding her arms like she can't hear.

So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says:

- What?!

She says:

- I left tit behind the bush.

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.

Guy goes to the pharmacy at his wife's request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls.

Staring at him in disbelief she asks:

- What the HELL...?!?! I asked for TAMPONS, not friggin COTTONBALLS!!

He says:

- Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive.....?

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ...

- Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.

- Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.

- Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.