Random joke from this category
At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.
Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed, replied:
- Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one.
A man and wife entered a dentist's office.
The Wife said:
- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
- Ladies, exercise is good for you - announced the teacher - Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
- Yes? - asked the instructor.
- Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
- Shit - said the first bloke,
- as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!
- What's the rush? - his mate asked.
- The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me - the bloke replied.
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
- Excuse me - our man stammered - but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.
- Yeah? So? - his hulking neighbor replied.
- Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
- OK - the husband says gruffly - for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits.
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
- Well, come on already, kiss 'em! - he growls.
- I can't - replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
- Why not? - demands the husband, getting really angry now.
- I don't have ten thousand dollars.
What did the gynocologist say to his wife when he got home?
I'm Bushed!
- Is this really your third marriage?
- Sure is.
- What happened to your first two wives?
- They died.
- How did your first wife die?
- She ate some poisonous mushrooms.
- What about your second wife?
- She died from a severe skull fracture.
- How did she get a skull fracture?
- She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper, "The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony"
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed:
- Come and bury my wife.
- But I buried your wife ten years ago - replied the undertaker.
- I got married again - the man sobbed.
- Oh - said the undertaker.
- Congratulations.
- Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick?
- Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.
