Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it." The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

Emery fixed himself a Scotch while waiting for Maria to get ready for their date. She came out of the shower wrapped in a bath towel and said:

- I'm sorry I'm late but I was shopping and lost track of time. Would you like to see me in my new dress?

- I would like nothing better. - said Emery.

One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said:

- My god, you look so depressed.

She said:

- You bet I am, look what my damn husband sent me... six dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread.

- Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked:

- Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.

At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled:

- Wow, unbelievable!

Which woke Ed.

- What's going on?

- I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife.

- How come?

- To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!

After a pause, Ed said:

- Do you want me to come with you?

- Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that? - said Ted.

- Because that's my dick you're holding, - said Ed.

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says:

- Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?

Grandpa replies:

- Nope.

Teen says:

- Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?

Grandpa replies:

- A wedding ring.

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

With a low voice he sad to his wife:

- Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones.

- Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you! - Maude replies.

- But I want you to, Maude.

- But why? - Maude asks.

- Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!

- Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market - said the man.

- Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically - remarked his friend.

- I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me.

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

- You are not getting older, You are just getting better.

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said:

- Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom.

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

- YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM.

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders.

He says:

- When did you start wearing them?

To which the other man replies:

- Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car.