Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon.

The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover? Long time no see."

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman?!?!?"

The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please! I'm going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."

• 100 facecloths
• 25 darning needles
• any kind of keychain with something way too big to fit in pocket or purse
• bag of potting mix
• box of legal size hanging file folders
• bucket of sand
• cat door
• cellophane tape and staples
• dairy for 1991
• exquisitely wrapped house-brick
• framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich")
• globe
• hat rack
• his and hers dishwashing liquid.
• map of West Brazil
• mixer (for the non-cooking couple)
• mobile
• modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop)
• nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper
• one shoe
• receipt book
• salad shooter (this one is a classic :-)
• silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these)
• spice rack
• step ladder
• towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it.
• towrope
• triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)

A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her, "Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I. Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I can't eat, I can't sleep...in fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month alone!"

"Well, why don't you dump the bastard?!?" her friend said.

To which the wife replied, "Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds."

Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard Shaw

One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894

I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie Snow

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert Spencer

Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria Steinem

If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. Tebbetts

At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin Trillin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - Tynan

The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe Valez

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - Voltaire

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar Wilde

Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A man took his wife to the doctors.
After a short examination the doctor said
"Your wife's mind has completely gone!"
To which the man replied "I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time."

The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.

The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!"

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring...

Wedding ring...

Suffering!!!

For sale by Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or the best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything!