Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

"I don't believe it for one minute!" Marie snapped.

"You're just saying that to make me jealous!!!"

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

"Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.

"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff... You'll just have to settle for what's on tap!"

Why are some married men like candles?
→ Because they occasionally go out at night when they should not.

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted.

To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was stupid'

When the husband came home from his job, he found his wife crying. "Your mother insulted me, very much." she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she's on a vacation on the other side of the world?"

"I know. But this morning, a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it, because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter, it was written: P.S. Dear Catherine, when you've read this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, "I could really go for an ice cream cone."

Hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."

Wife says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down."

Hubby replies, "No I won't; what do you want?"

Wife says, "Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles."

Hubby replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember."

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.

The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost?"

The hubby replies, "No, and I got what you wanted."

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!

Wife says, "I knew you you should have written the order down."

Hubby says, "What do you mean - every thing is there?"

To which the wife replies, "No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles!"

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."

The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."

"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away."

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?"

"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."

- Marriage counselor: Maybe your problem is that you've been waking up grumpy every morning.

- Client: No, I always let him sleep.

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.

- How is she now?

- She's fine. But, the dog died.

My husband's business is rather up-and-down - he makes yo-yos.