Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!"

Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.

After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse. "I just don't know what to do with you!" he said, shaking his head.

"We've talked about this over and over. We've spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again."

"I know, I know..." acknowledged the wife contritely. "But at least I'm cutting back!"

Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.

They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary's young lover there. Bill said to Hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner.

Hillary said, "NO! Then he would be the president of United States"

- Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick?

- Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.

She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

A certain little boy had been spanked by his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that evening, the boy called out sulkily, 'Mum! your husband's just come home.'

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna!"

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

- I'm suffering from bad breath

- You should do something about it!

- I did. I just sent my wife to the dentist.

One way to live together and never have an argument is for both husband and wife to be hard-of-hearing... and to share the same hearing aid.