Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Retirement means twice as much husband for half as much money.

You know you've been married too long when a "Quickie" before dinner now means a drink.

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold.
Good friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.

A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another woman. The man jumps up and says, "Honey, I can explain!"

"As I was coming home from the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where to go and hadn't eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat.

While she was eating, I noticed she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't use anymore. Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you don't use anymore.

As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem.

The counselor asked, "Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?"

"Uhh, no, I guess not," the husband replied.

"That happens with many married couples," the counselor replied. "I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband."

"That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening."

So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, "We're going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to have a good time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!"

His wife stared at him, then burst into tears. "What! What's wrong, honey? Tell me what's the matter?" the husband cried.

"Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now...(sniff)(sniff)...now..." she broke off and sobbed deeply.

"Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me." the husband begged.

"And now, you come home drunk!!!!"

What is honeymoon?
→ That brief span of time between, "I do" and "You'd better!"

- I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake?

- No!

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points up some of the differences between the sexes.

We were watching CNN's Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.

Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.

I was puzzled by this, until she explained, "Every woman's first thought on seeing that helmet will be, 'I can't wear that. It will mess up my hair!'"