Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho Marx

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset Maugham

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran

Marriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinley

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. Mencken

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. Mencken

Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. Mencken

Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. Mencken

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. Mencken

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl Menninger

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - Moliere

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Montaigne

If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - Nietzsche

Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - Neitzsche

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'Rourke

No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare Pavese

A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's Almanac

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - Rogers

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen Rowland

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen Rowland

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen Rowland

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita Rudner

Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified Ad

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.

"Come to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed.

"Not likely," replied the blonde groom, "my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it."

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.

"This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor," he said, "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy."

"We'll see," the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.

The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.

"Doctor, what are you doing?!?" he asked.

Flustered, the therapist replied, "Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"

The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve. "Well, doc," he said, "when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"

What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
→ A last name.

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?

The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.

At the marriage counselor's office, the woman complained, "What's-his-name here says I don't give him enough attention."

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas.
It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."

She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
→ Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told!

"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man.

I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."

"What did she do?" someone asked.

"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'"