Random joke from this category
The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
The wedding was over, and the reception was in full swing. Dave an usher, was having a great time with other members of the wedding party. His wife, Betty was not.
- Don't be to mad at Dave - a friend told her.
- He did a terrific job. I'd be glad to have him usher at my wedding.
- Yeah - Betty replied.
- I wish he had been an usher at mine.
A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says:
- I don't have a headache!
He says:
- Aha!
Did you hear about the Baton Rouge bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends were planning to give her a shower?
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:
- Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.
An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life.
- Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
- Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
- Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my dick on the curtains, and my wife...she goes wild!
Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist:
- Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.
- But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.
- True enough - said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says:
- And you are no good in bed either - and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says:
- What took you so long to answer the phone?
She says:
- I was in bed.
- In bed this early, doing what? - Shouts the doctor.
- Getting a second opinion!
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
