Random joke from this category
A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger:
- Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident.
The stranger says:
- If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?
The guy replies:
- Oh, I've got gambling money.
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house.
He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.
- What a terrible weather today, honey. - he said to her.
- Yes. And my idiot went fishing!
- First cannibal: I don't know what to make of my husband these days.
- Second cannibal: How about a curry?
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant that, if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
- So did you follow him?
- I did.
- And...where did he go?
- Over to your house!
It was New Year's Eve ... by then, actually, it was very early on New Year's morning. The drunk staggered out of the men's room and wobbled his way to the bar.
- I, uh, lll..., I'll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble.
The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk's sharp looking suit.
- Buddy, it looks to me like you've had quite enough. Why don't you call it a night and go home.
The drunk protests...:
- N-n-no! I ca-can't. My, my wife, you, you see... She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it... She, she's gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble...
- Tell you what - the bartender says.
- You got any 20 dollar bills on you?
The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies...:
- Y-yeah, I got a few....
The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk.
- There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!
- B-br-brilliant! - the drunk exclaims excitedly.
- Thish jush might w-work!
The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand.
- Look at you! You're a disgrace! Look at what you've done to your new suit!
- N-no hunnybunsh - the drunk stammers...
- Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened...
The wife looks in the drunk's pocket and pulls out the money.
- Wait a minute... - the wife says.
- there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.
The drunk reels, regroups, and explains...:
- Wha-wha... Well thass because after he puked on me, he ... he took a crap in my pants!
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said:
- Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself.
- Don't be stupid, Joe - said the psychiatrist - My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy.
- How? - asked Joe.
- Easy - replied the quack - I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?
- I clean out septic tanks. - Joe replied.
What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
→ When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
A woman tells her friend:
- My husband is an angel.
Her friend replies:
- You're lucky, mine is still alive.
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:
- A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments:
- See! That was more than 5 times a month!
The second bull is to be sold:
- Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.
Again the wife bugs her husband:
- Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale:
- And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells:
- That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back:
- Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!
- Moe: My wife converted me to religion.
- Joe: Really?
- Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
