Random joke from this category
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said:
- We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue.
The woman said:
- My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave.
Saint Peter motioned an angel forward.
- Take her to Turning Walter!
What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?
→ The cold shoulder.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
- It`s for my husband - she tells the clerk.
- Did he tell you what gauge to get? - asked the clerk.
- Are you kidding? - she says.
- He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!
A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying:
- Don't unleash the beast in me.
The wife snickered and replied:
- Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse.
A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.
After this goes on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells:
- You need more tail.
The guy turns to his son and says:
- Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
- I was married by a judge... I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
- What was the name of the Instructor? - asked the neighbor.
- Oh, ummmm, let's see - the old man pondered.
- You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?
- A rose? - asked the neighbor.
- Yes, that's it - replied the old man.
He then turned toward his house and shouted:
- Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, Mother of Six, in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts across the room at the top of his voice:
- Shall we go home Mother of six?
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back:
- Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.
- Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
- Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
- Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
- Joe: They all died, Jim.
- Jim: How did that happen?
- Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
- Jim: How terrible! And your second?
- Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
- Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
- Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
- Jim: I see, an accident.
- Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
→ A widower.
