Random joke from this category
This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.
- What's the matter, dear? - asks the woman at the front desk.
- Well - sniffed the girl.
- He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!
This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:
- Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
- Brian: Yeah, sure.
- Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
- Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
- Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
- Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
- Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
- Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
- Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
- Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
- Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
- Brian: Yeah, alright.
- Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
- Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
- Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
- Sharelle: Hi Brian.
- Brian: Hi Sharelle.
- Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
- Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
- Sharelle: O.K.
- Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
- Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
- Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
- Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
- Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
- Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
- Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
- Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
- Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
- Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
- Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.
- Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!
Radio Silence
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
- You're running around with other women - she charged.
- You're being unreasonable - Adam responded.
- You're the only woman on earth!
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.
- Counting your ribs - said Eve!
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.
- Stop! You can't do this! - exclaimed the brother.
- And why not? - asked Stan.
- Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient:
- C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.
Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother:
- You're SURE you want a nephew?
- Yes - the brother replied.
- It would be an honor!
- Well congratulations, you're holding him!
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
- Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?
Tom responds:
- Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single.
The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
- Elliot, - she said, pointing - do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?
The husband looked over and nodded.
- Well, - the woman continued, - he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!
The husband returned to his meal.
- Nonsense, - he said, - even that's not worth so much celebrating!
Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
It was embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says:
- Seven Points.
His wife rolls over and says:
- What in the world was that?
The old man replied:
- It's fart football!
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says:
- Touchdown, tie score!
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says:
- Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says:
- Touchdown, tie score!
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says:
- Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says:
- What the heck was that?
The old man replied:
- Half-time, Switch sides!
MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she hits you.
